Fandoms used to be my entire life. They consumed my thoughts. I wrote fanfiction, spent so much money on Powerpuff Girls merch, and even went to Comicon. But that’s not me anymore. (The blog is not going anywhere, don’t worry).
Yes, I am a huge geek and nerd still. That is inescapable. But there is something about fandom that is no longer attractive to me. Maybe I can’t swoon over fictional men because I have one IRL now. Maybe I can’t devour TV shows because I’d rather do something else. Maybe I can’t write fanfiction anymore because it just seems a waste to pour my heart and soul into something no one will ever read because I’ll never post it.
I truly think that the tipping point was the end of Endgame. My teenage years were consumed by the MCU. And once it was over, well…my interest in Marvel slowly died. I’ve seen none of the TV shows on Disney Plus, just WandaVision. I saw Black Widow at a drive-in theater and slept through it. And what once was a family tradition of seeing the Marvel movies in theaters suddenly died, because I no longer care.
So many things felt like the end in terms of fandoms I loved. Hamilton finally dropped the pro-shot, fulfilling my dream of seeing the original cast come out. My last fanfiction was thousands of words, and it crushed me when I realized nobody cared. Comicon was cancelled during the pandemic. I bought a switch and was so hyped to play Animal Crossing, only to discover that doing so made me feel depressed and lonely. The Rise of Skywalker came out and it sucked.
But I phased out of being a fangirl because my life took a turn for the better in 2021.
Fandom culture was my way of feeling connected. Of feeling like I was a part of something larger. That I was not alone, and that other people loved the same things I did. But it also isolated me from people in my life, and I didn’t need to cling to fictional places anymore because my life was suddenly turning into what I’d always wanted it to be. Plus, I no longer wanted to place my identity in what I liked.
That’s the fundamental problem with fandom culture: you’re defined by what you like. I am a Disnerd. I am a MCU fan. Even the title of fangirl implies that you’re defined by what you’re obsessed with. I don’t want to be that anymore. I’ll always be two steps above a casual consumer because I’m still obsessive and I have a mind for trivia, but I don’t think I can go back.
Don’t get me wrong: I regret nothing. I loved every second of being a fangirl. It was honestly so much fun, and it made navigating ages 14-19 so much easier. I don’t see the hours of writing fanfiction as a waste of time, it was a fun way for me to be creative. I met some cool people online and consumed a lot of fun media. But I think this chapter of my life is at a close.
Fangirly Thoughts 